I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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