please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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