My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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