I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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