The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
