Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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