I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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