My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
