Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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