Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
