I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
