Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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