dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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