update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
