i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
