I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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