Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
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