I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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