theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
