i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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