ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
