dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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