Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
