God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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