Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize