I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
