Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
