Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
