I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
