she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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