She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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