Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
