Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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