i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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