Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
