Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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