i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Couch. On fire.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
