I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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