and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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