dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
