i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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