Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
