I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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