So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
