Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
