CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
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