Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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