i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
