He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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