last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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