It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Randomize
