I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm like, not good at living.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
