I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize