I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
