Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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