I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
