i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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