Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
